Its raining ..04:25 PM and it seems so dark and gloomy already, so is my mind.
Not that I'm sad about anything . Not again.. power goes off.. pitch darkness.. trying to discourage me from writing shit... My ancient computer, with no anti-virus installed ,gets restarted like 5 times .Damn!!! tad daunting all this is.I wont let all this dampen my spirits rather dampen my verbal shit .. sounds gross .... be it.
And yeah, I guess I have figured out what to write about(Needless to say for the benefit of mankind... lol)
How does it feel ????
To be a 21 year old girl dumb,jobless,but extremely egoistic,introvert ,unexposed to the vagaries of life,never fallen in love,with real bad sense of dressing,arrogant yet sensitive,addicted to chatting,with more online friends than in real life,who can go on and on in a casual chat with a stranger yet cannot muster the courage to talk to people directly,who is insecure about lot of things,is forced to behave in a certain way... blah blah.
That was me... I'm 27 now,things have changed ... its again the straight line on graph, except for a few erratic knots.And this is an attempt to untangle those knots.. It has stopped raining so has the flow of thoughts. I ideally should have written things from the past,but now am blank have to go the other way round.
I don't even remember when I started writing this.But yes, it indeed rained heavily that day..Not many times has a thing like this happened I'm able to cut transpiration of thoughts,they appear and vanish just like that.I'm not feeling bad about anything.In an inebriated state of mind without getting drunk,not able to write anything.
Seems like even now am not confident enough to handle relationships.Sometimes I wonder are all the people I have been associated with, even worth my time(huh sounds preposterous...Worth is too big a word for me )Seldom do I succeed in comprehending their ulterior motives,probably because I fail to understand the fact that every relation has an expiry date and one has to keep the lamp of purpose always burning or is it that there exists no purpose at all.At a superficial level everything seems meaningful,significant worthwhile.I don't understand if there is any profound meaning to all this at all.
My soul feels alienated after being with someone for a very short while.What does it really want?what is it deprived,impoverished of ,that it always inflicts melancholy?I have always damned and attributed crankiness of my thoughts and eccentric disposition to hormones.What a way to blame the poor chemical secretions.
Every thing seems meaningless.Man created money and now everything that is associated with him runs with money.Bits of paper have gained significance. When there is no difference between the ulterior and exterior motives of a man ,he will probably achieve absolute happiness.
Happiness ,a word used at such ease by everyone.All I wanted to write was about relationships and it has veered to nonsense.I fail to trust anyone.Not knowing what to do,is what I hate most of the times.(Needless to say I'm most of the times in the same condition). I always wished to get drunk,go insane,talk gibberish and yeah that's done and the outcome..... bad hangover ,pukish feeling that feels like would last for eternity.
Huh.. why has it become so damn difficult to write things?
ಮನುಷ್ಯ ಎಲ್ಲ ಮಾಡೋದು ಬೇರೆಯವರ ಮೆಚ್ಚಿಗೆ ಗಳಿಸಲಿಕ್ಕ ? ಯಾರು ಮೆಚ್ಚಲ್ಲ ಅಂದ್ರೆ ಯಾರೂ ಏನೂ ಮಾಡೋದೇ ಇಲ್ವಾ.. ಪ್ರಪಂಚ ನಿಂತೇ ಹೋಗತ್ತಾ .. ನಾವೆಲ್ಲಾ ಹುಟ್ಟೋದು ಯಾಕೆ ... ಬರೀ ಬೇರೆಯವರು ಏನು ಅಂದುಕೊಳ್ಳುತಾರೋ ಅಂತ ಯೋಚನೆ ಮಾಡೋದ್ರಲ್ಲೇ ಜೀವನ ಮುಗಿಬೇಕಾ? ಅಥವಾ ಇಷ್ಟೆಲ್ಲಾ ಯೋಚನೆ ಮಾಡುವ ಅವಶ್ಯಕಥೆನೆ ಇಲ್ಲವ ... ಹೆಂಗೆ ಬರತ್ತೋ ಎನೆನಾಗತ್ತೋ ಆಗ್ಲಿ ಅಂತ ಸುಮ್ಮನೆ ಇದ್ದುಬಿಡಬೇಕಾ.. ಭಾವನೆಗಳು ಯಾವತ್ತು ಬತ್ತೋದೇ ಇಲ್ವಾ ... ಆದಷ್ಟು ಬೇಗ ಬತ್ತಿದರೆ ಒಳ್ಳೆದಲ್ಲವ... ಜೀವನ ಸುಗಮ ...
Seems like even now am not confident enough to handle relationships.Sometimes I wonder are all the people I have been associated with, even worth my time(huh sounds preposterous...Worth is too big a word for me )Seldom do I succeed in comprehending their ulterior motives,probably because I fail to understand the fact that every relation has an expiry date and one has to keep the lamp of purpose always burning or is it that there exists no purpose at all.At a superficial level everything seems meaningful,significant worthwhile.I don't understand if there is any profound meaning to all this at all.
My soul feels alienated after being with someone for a very short while.What does it really want?what is it deprived,impoverished of ,that it always inflicts melancholy?I have always damned and attributed crankiness of my thoughts and eccentric disposition to hormones.What a way to blame the poor chemical secretions.
Every thing seems meaningless.Man created money and now everything that is associated with him runs with money.Bits of paper have gained significance. When there is no difference between the ulterior and exterior motives of a man ,he will probably achieve absolute happiness.
Happiness ,a word used at such ease by everyone.All I wanted to write was about relationships and it has veered to nonsense.I fail to trust anyone.Not knowing what to do,is what I hate most of the times.(Needless to say I'm most of the times in the same condition). I always wished to get drunk,go insane,talk gibberish and yeah that's done and the outcome..... bad hangover ,pukish feeling that feels like would last for eternity.
Huh.. why has it become so damn difficult to write things?
ಮನುಷ್ಯ ಎಲ್ಲ ಮಾಡೋದು ಬೇರೆಯವರ ಮೆಚ್ಚಿಗೆ ಗಳಿಸಲಿಕ್ಕ ? ಯಾರು ಮೆಚ್ಚಲ್ಲ ಅಂದ್ರೆ ಯಾರೂ ಏನೂ ಮಾಡೋದೇ ಇಲ್ವಾ.. ಪ್ರಪಂಚ ನಿಂತೇ ಹೋಗತ್ತಾ .. ನಾವೆಲ್ಲಾ ಹುಟ್ಟೋದು ಯಾಕೆ ... ಬರೀ ಬೇರೆಯವರು ಏನು ಅಂದುಕೊಳ್ಳುತಾರೋ ಅಂತ ಯೋಚನೆ ಮಾಡೋದ್ರಲ್ಲೇ ಜೀವನ ಮುಗಿಬೇಕಾ? ಅಥವಾ ಇಷ್ಟೆಲ್ಲಾ ಯೋಚನೆ ಮಾಡುವ ಅವಶ್ಯಕಥೆನೆ ಇಲ್ಲವ ... ಹೆಂಗೆ ಬರತ್ತೋ ಎನೆನಾಗತ್ತೋ ಆಗ್ಲಿ ಅಂತ ಸುಮ್ಮನೆ ಇದ್ದುಬಿಡಬೇಕಾ.. ಭಾವನೆಗಳು ಯಾವತ್ತು ಬತ್ತೋದೇ ಇಲ್ವಾ ... ಆದಷ್ಟು ಬೇಗ ಬತ್ತಿದರೆ ಒಳ್ಳೆದಲ್ಲವ... ಜೀವನ ಸುಗಮ ...
2 comments:
Hmm.... Came across you page while searching for something. Read and felt the pain that you are trying to exhibit. Though, I do not know the fact but believe that you are definitely one of His favourite child. Sooner or later things should be fine till then Cheers!
hehe thanks...
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