Band ,baaja,bride

I accidentally while gliding through TV channels ,ended up on a certain one. The program being telecasted was about marriage.Anybody who wants to get married looking like the heroine of a Bollywood flick can write to these people and they make it come true. I wonder how do they even select the brides.
Who doesn't want to get dressed up by celebrity makeup artists?,wear designer clothes,get their tooth filed by a famous dentist,get botox to make your lips look fuller by a cosmetic surgeon , have a dedicated  programme telecast about the marriage on national television andddd all of this free of cost(I guess).
A girl writes to this production crew.she gets selected and that in itself is a great accomplishment. The anchors visit the bride ,ask her who/what she wants to look like on the very important day of her life . What are black spots of her looks, that she is worried about and wants to get fixed. Then comes the celebrity designer,who is the Man of the show. He toils day and night to please the bride , designs intricate lehengas or sarees with embellishments,trinkets, to make it look 100% bollywoodish.
Oh have we forgotten about  the keratin on head. A celebrity hair stylist scratches the brides head lol and reveals the problems about the biochemistry ,peptide bonds of the keratin that are missing or whatever.Science doesn't make sense here . Then comes the dye,various conccotions,increasing the temperature of the hair (thermodynamics comes to aid),making the peptide bonds straight.Mind you ,the girl is not allowed to look at herself unless all the experiments are done with.

Eeeeee, the lower left most canine looks like a canine. Oh gawd!! Cannot  look at myself in the mirror!!!! ... I have been mocked at ,since childhood,due to this nasty canine(that looks like a canine ) help  me please please.....
As the dentist sculpts the canine in to a molar with the victims oops bride's  mouth wide  open, the extra calcium acquired by using Colgate just goes waste. OMG I look so beautiful... mirror cracks. thank you hammer err.. doctor.

Now shame on you!!! How can Skin, the largest organ be sidelined? The cosmetologist is an old, made young through technology ,weird looking female.Touches the skin ,feels it,"hmmmm I know how to vandalise your face". The lips are considered perfect when the upper one is 40% of the lower in size....(I have literally heard a doctor saying this)
I will inject something and you will look perfect ,like someone has just punched you really hard on the lips .Tadahhhh...fuller lips and laser burnt skin. Scintillating smell.

Makeup or making up
All sorts of hues ,shades are painted on to the face as if its a canvas ,even the eyelashes/lids are not spared. The devil/diva is ready for the horror show. Looks at herself, watery eyes
dammit mascara ,nerolac paint .How can I cry???
She is then presented with a surprise rado watch and lead in to the marriage hall. The groom is in absolute horror,but is being filmed, cannot express his true feelings,cofused tries to look happy.
should I say,they lived happily ever after!!!!!!

I wouldn't want any of this .But then, I don't the represent the whole Female community.
By the way, nice title to the programme :) .

Something's cooking

OK I have never been 'always in the kitchen' kind of a person,though the whole of my family manages to get through decently, when it comes to cooking(no history of anyone ever being admitted to a hospital) .Its been many months since I have been out of the eerie shadows of south bangalore(south bangalore is the best)which means I have been staying alone.I was very much excited about being alone, for ,that was one of my biggest dreams(needless to say that the verve hasn't dwindled till date).I must be honest here,I have never been alone all my life. The first few days were kind of overwhelming,but I managed it through.Cooking was a distant dream or should I say nightmare.After everybody ranting about my culinary inabilities and me having had enough of it and after months of training decided on putting my culinary skills errr..... at work.

I live in a castle that's just about enough to hold my celebrity wardrobe. I barely manage to walk on the floor,if you understand what I mean.Most of the times I end up washing all my clothes, unable to distinguish between the clean and the stinky ones. Oh please, its not that I cannot smell things !!!! But its the sheer volume of clothes that need testing and ultimately can make someone pass off .I actually like being in the middle of heap of clothes.

Dammit!!! This is going elsewhere,focus lost duh....
It was all about cooking ,spices and now its turning to be about clothes surf excel damn...
I got all the things needed to experiment. I had to stop by a street side food gaadi. It was a cloudy, drizzly,cold evening.As I was eating ,looking at my poor overly loaded scooty , trying to keep an eye on the things so that nobody flicks any of my pricey possessions, a gang of dogs all having a belt around  their necks started marching past my peppy scooty. I was like whoa!!! . The parade didn't seem to stop ,one after another brown,black,Grey,dotted .Too concerned about them sniffing the tyres ,the guard,the foot mat, for I know the consequences of such an act ,I tried to shoo one of them away and it did distract the brown one. But in another second the brown king marked his(not sure:p)  his territory by the royal spray. I just checked my belongings and found no droplets of the holy squirt. It was already dark... later realized that it was indeed purified by the urea uric acid whatever yuck.
I somehow managed to carry it to my 2nd floor studio apartment and flung it right away ,washed my hands with great disgust and went on about other important things of my life.As if clothes weren't enough ,the whole area was now occupied by cardboard boxes .I couldnt figure out where to discard the wrappers boxes etc etc. I came back from work too sleepy. Dozed off for sometime ,in the middle of my dreams ,I heard someone honking... its the guy who collects trash. I just ran for the sake of the cardboard boxes ,wrappers ,covers and finally made them one with their destiny.

My favorite part of staying alone is watching cookery shows back to back(that might sound ridiculous though). And as I was deeply engrossed In Rachel Allen's show, where in she was cooking  salmon I guess , and the fat was burning making a hissing noise ,something happened,Epiphany !!!!!. I had burnt my pocket too. I Had trashed all the wooden, plastic ladles ,spoons with the boxes.How do I bloody cook now ??. Its all a play by the  destiny.

I wasn't born to be a cook ,I realized and liked it.